'Are people using divorce as a first resort instead of a last?'
So many people complain after a few years of marriage that 'the spark has gone out', or they do not know the person anymore. I believe that this is probably the biggest contributor to divorce, but it does not have to be. For those who think that the end is nigh, please, read my own personal keys to a succesful relationship before you take the easy way out.
First things first, all succesful relationships need to have open and honest communication. I think that the idea of 'making time to talk to eachother' is farsical! Every night when you go to bed, before you fall asleep, that is talking time. Go to bed half an hour to an hour earlier, and spend some time together. You need some time to unwind, and debrief eachother on your days. This is your partner after all. It is their job to keep you sane and help you with your problems, as it is yours to do the same for them. All decisions are discussed, so then both parties are always aware of what is going on. And do not keep any secrets. I live by the philosophy that all lies WILL eventually get found out. It is always better to tell the truth immediately, than to let a lie fester. We are all human and all make mistakes, so to own up to your mistakes immediately is commendable, and usually forgivable.
Secondly, you must always remember that you are both equals in your own ways. So you must never treat the other as a slave or one of the children. For example, my most hated chore is the dishes, so for that reason, I always do them. It is selfish of me to tell my partner to do something just because I hate it. We never TELL eachother what to do, and if we ask something of the other, both answers are okay. Let's face it, if you cannot handle someone saying either yes or no, do not ASK! This is your partner and you must RESPECT and appreciate them. But, if you are not happy with something, as I said before, tell them! It is their job to make you happy, and by not telling them, you are not letting them do their job.
Thirdly, and this will sound absolutely nutty, but please hear me out, one of the keys to a succesful relationship is arguing (not fighting). Arguing means that you both still care enough to fight for what you want or believe. Let's face it, if you do not love someone, you do not really put in any effort or care enough to fight for things. This also helps with communication, and getting things off your chest. When you live in close proximity to someone, things are bound to annoy. We must remember that this is not personal. Another rule my partner and I live by is we are to never break up over a fight. If we were to ever break up it would have to be on unnamous terms, where we have both discussed and agree that there is no longer any love there. Also, with regards to fights, and this very important, NEVER go to sleep angry. When you both go to bed, talk out the problem. You do not sleep until it is resolved. It does not matter if you have a meeting in the morning, your relationship is more important! I would also like to add that your marital bed belongs to both of you, and should NEVER be held against the other. We never kick the other out of bed!
Now, so many movies that I have seen, involve the wife complaining that there is no spark any more or things have gotten boring in the bedroom. Let me assure you, if you are bored, so are they! (This would not really be a problem if you were following step one of communication, but some people are afraid of discussing this topic!) If you want them to spice things up, you do it first! It is very rude to be upset that they are not being spontaneous when you are not! And if you remind them how much fun things can be, they will usually follow suit and make more of an effort too. It comes down to not expecting them to do things that you do not do. But I do think a lot of women cannot be bothered to try to be in the mood, so the men give up trying. It takes two to tango! And let's face it, sex is very good for you. It releases endorfins, gives you excercise, and helps renew the bond between partners.
The real truth is, I am not a relationship expert, and these are simple things that anyone can do. But the sad truth is that people are not willing to put effort into their relationships, as they 'never last' anyway. If people put the same amount of effort into their marriage as they do their job or friends, they would never fail! Today is our ten year anniversary (six years married), and I can guarantee that we are even more in love today than we were a decade ago.
Give us some feedback!
-T.J.
I am certainly NO expert on this topic, but I have to say that you, T.J. are a relationship expert: the proof is in the pudding!
ReplyDeleteT.j, thankyou for your very eloquent and insightful marriage advice. My husband and I both subscribe to a similar set of relationship staples. It also helps to approach marriage as a binding contract that once one has made a vow to another 'to death do us part' that that contract will stand. I also approached my marriage with more than the idea of till death, but for eternity. My life belongs to God and my husband, if he dies before me I will wait for our resurrection together. The same goes for him. I truly believe that God bound us together and we have no right to break that bond. It is our job to continue to work together as a couple and with God to weather all the storms of life. We owe it to ourselves, God and our children to have a happy marriage that is firstly centred on God then us as a couple. If these two things are met then we will provide a ripe and rich environment in which to raise our children. Marriage was never meant to be a selfish act but a selfless giving of oneself to your spouse, just as Christ selflessly gave himself to his bride (the church) on the cross. This is in itself the most fundamental flaw in most people's ideology on marriage, that marriage is only about two people (the bride and groom), in fact marriage involves three, bride, groom and God. Without God being part of a marriage it is missing something and the bride and groom will try to fill that void with anything and everything to the detriment of the union and anyone involved, spouses and children. Now I'm not saying only Christians can have strong marriages, on the contrary, Christians can also enter the union with a selfish heart and forget God is the glue that holds the marriage together, we are all sinful and try to do things on our own strength. We also see other religions where marriage lasts but again these marriages began with the idea that it was permanent and that is an important viewpoint because if marriage is permanent you will try to keep it alive. My final comment is the importance of remaining pure for your spouse. Studies have shown that those who lived together before marriage are significantly more likely to devorce, despite the world's message of 'try before you buy'. I know the extra strain put upon a marriage when there have been other people in the bed before marriage, the emotional hurt, the mistrust, the fear of being compared, the guilt that you have robbed your spouse of what is rightfully their's (you being only for them), and not having the first months or years alone learning about each other because of a child born out of wedlock. Now I'm not advocating marrying the first person you date, you can find out if they're the one through spending time with each other outside the bedroom, that will complicate things even if you do end up marrying them. You have both robbed each other of what was meant to mark the beginning of your marriage, the honeymoon. My advice, from one who did everything wrong, is to wait and give yor spouse the best wedding gift, yourself, approach marriage as permanent and include God. With these fundamentals in place your marriage will begin on a strong foundation. Throughout your marriage also remember God in all things, don't try to do it on your own!
ReplyDeleteAnother wonderful post TJ. I believe the reasons for the increase in divorce go a lot deeper than just the 'spark going out'. I think the increase in divorce has a lot do with marriage's perceived irrelevance to society. Marriage has become irrelevant to a lot of people, choosing to cohabitate rather than marry. This also sparks the call for marriage to be redefined. If you see marriage as just an irrelevant bit of paper, when and if you finally get married it is bound to end early. If we re-affirm the relevancy of marriage and family to people as the foundation of our society, we would see the divorce rate decrease.
ReplyDeleteI believe the whole 'spark going out' excuse is a cop out. Love is not some fleeting emotion that flitters away on its own accord and attaches itself to another. Love is primarily an action and will fade if it's not fed. I am also not a relationship expert but have a three point plan to keep love in the relationship. 1. Make a choice to love your spouse. In all non-arranged marriages this is a non issue as you have already chosen to love them otherwise you would not be in a relationship with them. But when you feel the love is going, you need to start from the beginning and make a conscious decision to love your spouse and be committed to making it work. 2. Show your love. Love is an action and you need to show your love to your spouse. You can't sit back and complain about your needs not being met in your relationship. Your duty as husband or a wife is to meet the needs of your spouse not to have your needs fulfilled. A marriage will not work if you both are still selfishly trying to fulfil your own needs. 3. Communicate. The girls at work are constantly complaining about their husbands. One day I’d had enough and told them that they should be telling their husbands, not me. I don’t think they’ve headed my advice, but I don’t hear them complaining around me anymore. The point is, telling your mother or your girlfriends is not going to help the situation. You need to communicate with your spouse. Be your spouses best friend, talk to them, do things with them, spend time with them. Another problem I see is that people don’t share anything in common with their spouses. You won’t be able to talk, do things or spend time with them if you don’t share anything in common.
I could bang on about this topic all day but I’ll just make one final point. I believe you need to remove the word divorce from your marital dictionary. A marriage that admits that divorce is an option, is bound to get divorced when times get tough.
There is lots of good advice here, for sure. I agree wholeheartedly with almost all of it, and it's heartwarming to see people caring so much for their spouses.
ReplyDeleteBut, I guess whether divorce is the easy option depends of your definition of tough times. A rough week at work, and feeling disconnection with your spouse would be a crazy reason to jump straight for divorce. Not coping with a spouses depression or anxiety could be considered a selfish and heartless reason to jump straight for divorce.
However, what if the relationship is an abusive one, despite the others attempts to set boundaries and resolve this?
Or what if your spouse cheats on you, once? twice? three times? more?
what if your spouse cheats on you with a member of the same sex? (it does happen!)
what if your spouse harms one of your children?
yes, the ideal option is to work through the rough times, but sometimes the rough times are never ending, or they are beyond rough.. they are destructive to another person, and I would hate to live in a society where it was frowned upon to leave a "binding contract" that involved pain and hurt of another.